I Do What I Want #34: Attempted Murder

Posted May 15th, 2017 in I Do What I Want, My Features / 10 comments

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Sometimes I just want to talk about random crap. No theme, no rules, just…whatever. That’s where I Do What I Want posts come in. This is where I…well, do whatever the hell I want. Enjoy…and be very afraid.

For a few years now I have watched this raven couple (I like to call them attempted murder, get it? Okay, technically a group of ravens is called an unkindness or conspiracy and a group of crows is called a murder, but whatever) make a home around my neighborhood. They are the most adorable bird couple ever. They constantly play together, floating during high winds and wrestling in our front yard. They often fly beside cars, racing them around.  They LOVE to torture my dog Bosco (and our previous dog CJ) by perching on the light post outside and squawking at him and taunting him in the morning, driving him insane. These ravens were inseparable. You see one, the other was not far behind. I called them Larry and Barbara (Barb for short).

About 2 months ago I only found Larry hanging around, Barb nowhere in sight. Okay, unusual but nothing to panic about yet. Well, Larry kept showing up without Barb for weeks and I started to panic. I cannot lose Barb and Larry. They were a constant in my life and they were important to me.

I started to stress over my attempted murder couple. One could not be dead, NOPE! Scenarios started racing through my head: maybe they broke up. Maybe Barb kicked Larry out of the nest for being an asshat. Maybe Barb was visiting relatives. Obviously, this was all speculation because they are BIRDS after all!

I come back from my Aunt’s funeral, sad all around. And there’s Larry, still all by his lonesome. I had to face the facts, Barb was gone, for whatever reason.

Then, a week ago, I see Larry and Barb, AND Frank. Yup, a for real murder…conspiracy, whatever! Seriously! I know, I was shocked too. Okay, this is what I think happened. This bitch left Larry for Frank because Larry was getting a little gray and pudgy. Frank, being a half their age stud extraordinaire, swooped in. I mean, Barb is still hot for a cougar with breasts to die for. But Barb starts missing Larry and all his familiarity. He’s kind, smart, and knows what Barb likes. Frank is great too in a dense piece of man-meat sort of way.

So Barb gets this idea. Why not have the best of both worlds? I can’t even imagine how that conversation went but Larry and Frank seem to be going along with the whole threesome thing. I can tell there is some tension between them all but hey, if it works, it works.

…Or Barb is dead and those were just three other random ravens. Seriously, people, there birds. How the hell would I know? Weirdos.

The End.


 

I Do What I Want, My Features

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10 Responses to “I Do What I Want #34: Attempted Murder”

  1. Nathan

    I liked reading this post. I have a lot of wild life at my home. There is this woodpecker who keeps tapping the chimney and I saw him mate with another woodpecker, so there will soon be more…

  2. Christy LoveOfBooks

    lol! I think Larry pushed Barb in front of a car. Now those are both his new chicks. That’s so funny though, I was just telling someone about how we had a pair of crows that lived here for YEARS. Like, they became part of our lives. They raise several babies throughout the years. Then one day we noticed they were gone. Both just vanished. 🙁 We still have the fat dove couple that hides out in our backyard, especially during dove season. Seriously.

  3. Melissa (Books and Things)

    LOL! We used to have a robin that visited that I called Goofy because of how he held his wing when perched (he flew fine and it didn’t hinder him at all) but always seemed like he had a great outlook. We also had a momma squirrel who visited and taught her babies where the patsy lived and how to get their attention. Yea, I missed them when they stopped coming so I totally get it. 🙂 Btw, love the gifs.

  4. Olivia Roach

    I’m sorry to hear about your Aunt having passed away…

    It’s adorable and creative that you have a story to these crows lives. Sometimes I do that with things too.

  5. Braine

    Lol
    Great story! Maybe they shift at night and do sexy time in the woods too

  6. Jaclyn Canada

    OK This is the best thing I’ve read all day 😀 Sounds like Barb had a bit of a mid-life crisis and now has to deal with the fall out LOL. We don’t have many ravens around my house, but I get the same kind of bonds with the neighborhood cats and the squirrels that like to hang out in my yard.

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